End of January took a trip up north to Estonia (homeland) for a week. It was good, to see my best friend, go out with him and hang out in old places, like going back in time. Although this time the journey was quite oriented on me making closure with certain people. People whom I have been wanting to see or maybe with whom I have felt like there hasn't been a dot put to our story. Well this time there certainly was.
First one was my very first boy, relationship (if you can call it that) wise and sex wise. I have always found him having a certain schoolboy'ish charm about him that I had been attracted to but this time, 5 minutes into the meeting and conversation I realized that there is nothing there anymore, no connection, no attraction, I was bored.
Second one was one of my latest ex's with whom I had been wanting to meet up as our last meeting was quite dramatic. So on Saturday early morning, coldest night in Estonia, -32 Celcius, I called him at 6AM and asked if he wanted to come over, he did - it was plain and simple, a booty call. After I woke up I again realized that there was nothing there anymore.
Third and last was in another city of Estonia, saw my ex who screwed me over with the loans, who ended up stealing from the workplace we worked at, etc. In my head I thought I will be causing drama and whatnot but seeing him I felt nothing, absolutely nothing. Of course getting more tipsy since he works now in a pub I did make some louder comments and we laughed about it with friends. In result I ended up receiving a message in my inox saying that it was really nice to see me but it was harsh for me to laugh over him. I replied with saying that doesn't he think with what he has put me through emotionally and materially I deserve that? Never got an answer, silence always says it all.
All in all it was a fun week, spent time with friends, best friend, went clubbing, had some fun in the sheets and of course from the result of a thin autumn coat, my ignorance and stubbornness and it being -25 Celcius I picked up a lovely cold, as we landed my ears locked as well. Good thing I had another week off so all week I rested and partied the weekened.
To move on with what is happening I have to go back in time to the last evening before leaving for holidays to Estonia. The italian (read earlier entry) wanted to meet for coffee, we had hot chocolate instead, then he was hunrgy and suggested we get pizza and go over to mine to eat, once that was done we went up to my room.
He sat on the corner of the bed and laid down, I laid down next to him with my head turned away from his face and as I turned we locked eyes and we kissed and kissed some more, grinded against each other, him on top of me, me on top of him, clothes came off, etc.
After that as we laid there and for someone who thinks too much he started to figure out ways of how to lable us, of how to make us still be together but still not be, words like "open relationship" were used. I said to leave us as we are and not to worry about it.
Then as we were getting dressed he said something. He pulled the trigger, opened the Pandora's box - "...what if we are in love with each other and just don't want to admit it to ourselves"
As a result and accumulation of thoughts and feelings by Sunday, almost the end of my holidays I realized that I have feelings for him. Drunk and foolish I ended up telling him, knowing the answer but since it needed to be done, more for me than for him then it was. So have not been at my best but gettign back into the work routine and doing extra days helps, so don't have much time to think about anything associated with him. He texted, he wants to remain friends.
As irony of life has it I am more than sure that in a months time or less I will be in his position and he will be in his ex's shoes. Meaning that he will meet someone who he wants to have a relationship with and I will be the one who will once again have to get over it and him. If he would feel the same as I do I would not be writing this entry right now. So I will just need to move on even though as much as I don't want to.
I am tired, tired of being the rebound guy. It seems that life has it that I meet guys who are emotionally screwed up or stressed, I build them up, get them back on track emotionally, give them my love and care and then once they are emotionally stable again, they move on and meet someone who they have an amazing relationship with and me...I am just left behind.
