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Spring '12

Spring has arrived. Even though I like all seasons since they all have something magical in them, especially when they arrive, spring is still my favourite. It brings out so many emotions, feelings, it makes you bloom. It's a wake up, a time for growth, fresh starts, new life.

So since I spilled my heart out to the italian we didn't see much of each other anymore or speak or text or message. I ended up seeing him about a month ago in Barcode where once again I was high and drunk and he seemed like he was alone, which made him look a little sad for me. So I hooked up with some guy and we made out and one my way out for a cig the italian tells me "Don't go home with him,he's not worth you, he's no good for you." Made me think, but not for long. And again as italian was leaving while me and this guy were talking he interrupted us to say goodbye. By me being high still after 5 minutes I deciced to go after him, thank goodness I did not find him on my way home.

On a random Wednesday I decided to meet up with friends I hadn't seen for a while. So we did, early evening in Soho. We had a great time, how can you not for £1.70 pints fo cider and jägerbombs? We went from one bar to the other and another one and then back again, then mostly all left, it was just me and Ksenia and for a drunken reason we decided to call the place where the italian works to see if it's still opened since we were hungry.

I called and he was the one to pick up, they were open. We went, ate, Ksenia got a piece of cake, he said it's on the house. We left, 10 steps from the restaurant...breakdown, cried, sobbed, hysterical all the way home, on the street, at the bus stop, on the bus. It's funny now but wasn't back then. I also messaged him and the basic conclusion was that he wants to be friends with me but this is not the time. But it was good, to cry, to get it all out.

So I did manage to stay good for 2 weeks and 2 weekends but this Sunday did end up going out, had a great time, met some new people, saw some old faces. It was a good night out, even got lovebites the next day from a boy I met. Then got some more of them on tuesday night.  He seems really sweet and nice so who knows where this will go.

Went to the park yesterday with Ksenia, 5 minutes into sitting down on the grass, she looks over my shoulder and jokes "Emiliano is coming!" I started laughing, she said she's not kidding.

I turned and out of all the places, all the days, all the hours, all the corners of the park, there he was with his housemate. They walked by, nods were nodded, hands waved and that's it. I felt at ease, stable. No more hysterics, no more wanting to leave the place where he is, just stability. I am not sure what the future will bring, if we will ever communicate or have a friendship between us or will it stay the way this last meeting was, just a wave and a nod. But whatever it will be, I know I will be okay.

Spring has arrived, it's time to grow, time to enjoy this sun, the fresh smell of grass, the light breeze that will carry your winter worries far far away. Time for a fresh start.

Left Behind

To be honest I am not sure what to say or how to start this entry. Nothing too serious has happened but although I do feel like writing something I am not exactly sure what.

End of January took a trip up north to Estonia (homeland) for a week. It was good, to see my best friend, go out with him and hang out in old places, like going back in time. Although this time the journey was quite oriented on me making closure with certain people. People whom I have been wanting to see or maybe with whom I have felt like there hasn't been a dot put to our story. Well this time there certainly was.

First one was my very first boy, relationship (if you can call it that) wise and sex wise. I have always found him having a certain schoolboy'ish charm about him that I had been attracted to but this time, 5 minutes into the meeting and conversation I realized that there is nothing there anymore, no connection, no attraction, I was bored.

Second one was one of my latest ex's with whom I had been wanting to meet up as our last meeting was quite dramatic. So on Saturday early morning, coldest night in Estonia, -32 Celcius, I called him at 6AM and asked if he wanted to come over, he did - it was plain and simple, a booty call. After I woke up I again realized that there was nothing there anymore.

Third and last was in another city of Estonia, saw my ex who screwed me over with the loans, who ended up stealing from the workplace we worked at, etc. In my head I thought I will be causing drama and whatnot but seeing him I felt nothing, absolutely nothing. Of course getting more tipsy since he works now in a pub I did make some louder comments and we laughed about it with friends. In result I ended up receiving a message in my inox saying that it was really nice to see me but it was harsh for me to laugh over him. I replied with saying that doesn't he think with what he has put me through emotionally and materially I deserve that? Never got an answer, silence always says it all.

All in all it was a fun week, spent time with friends, best friend, went clubbing, had some fun in the sheets and of course from the result of a thin autumn coat, my ignorance and stubbornness and it being -25 Celcius I picked up a lovely cold, as we landed my ears locked as well. Good thing I had another week off so all week I rested and partied the weekened.

To move on with what is happening I have to go back in time to the last evening before leaving for holidays to Estonia. The italian (read earlier entry) wanted to meet for coffee, we had hot chocolate instead, then he was hunrgy and suggested we get pizza and go over to mine to eat, once that was done we went up to my room.

He sat on the corner of the bed and laid down, I laid down next to him with my head turned away from his face and as I turned we locked eyes and we kissed and kissed some more, grinded against each other, him on top of me, me on top of him, clothes came off, etc.

After that as we laid there and for someone who thinks too much he started to figure out ways of how to lable us, of how to make us still be together but still not be, words like "open relationship" were used. I said to leave us as we are and not to worry about it.

Then as we were getting dressed he said something. He pulled the trigger, opened the Pandora's box - "...what if we are in love with each other and just don't want to admit it to ourselves"

As a result and accumulation of thoughts and feelings by Sunday, almost the end of my holidays I realized that I have feelings for him. Drunk and foolish I ended up telling him, knowing the answer but since it needed to be done, more for me than for him then it was. So have not been at my best but gettign back into the work routine and doing extra days helps, so don't have much time to think about anything associated with him. He texted, he wants to remain friends.

As irony of life has it I am more than sure that in a months time or less I will be in his position and he will be in his ex's shoes. Meaning that he will meet someone who he wants to have a relationship with and I will be the one who will once again have to get over it and him. If he would feel the same as I do I would not be writing this entry right now. So I will just need to move on even though as much as I don't want to.

I am tired, tired of being the rebound guy. It seems that life has it that I meet guys who are emotionally screwed up or stressed, I build them up, get them back on track emotionally, give them my love and care and then once they are emotionally stable again, they move on and meet someone who they have an amazing relationship with and me...I am just left behind.

January Blues of 2012

Of course I haven't updated my blog. What do you expect? I live in London now, thus the lifestyle of a "londoner" is what I live and that means no time for silly blogs where a person can open themselves up on a computer screen and let their heart flow.

Now it means I work, 20 days in a row, 10 hour days, go home, sleep, eat, do drugs, drink, smoke, club until 8AM and go straight to work continuing the "glamorous" lifestyle that is of a "londoner" where there is no time to stop, rest, fall in love, create friendships - be.

As you can tell I am not in the best of moods, let's blame it on January blues, weather, economy, anything else but the reality of just missing the recent experiences. I am not depressed, just a tiny bit uneasy.

Life has been okay, working a lot as per usual, not much new there, since the summer it's been pretty much the same, we have opened 2 more stores outside of London which has meant travels back and forth, shopfitting, training staff, etc. I still love it, though sometimes it wears me out to the point where I cannot function properly.

During late summer in 2011 I discovered a new clubbing scene right next to me, of course it was Vauxhall and especially places like Eagle and RVT. It has progressed me in a way, I have met many cool guys and people in general, more of my type, men, not girls with dicks. I felt like I fit in more, I never liked to lable myself or anyone else for that matter but you still end up doing so, you have your queens, bears, muscle Mary's, chubby's, etc. So yeah, I'm a cub I would say and have nothing wrong in admitting that.

The beginning of the second part of the year was crazy, I started going out every weekend and let's just say that since then I can tick off probably about 5 new types of drugs that I hadn't tried before. But it has been fun and I know my limits. I had a good one month break as well from all the partying, could of been the post operation blues (yeah, I got circumcised). Now that was an experience.

Also a few months ago learned another good lesson: never buy a ticket to the US to see a guy who you had a short LDR with 5 years ago, it doesn't work.

December gave me a nice early Christmas present. Met an italian, kissed the italian, went home with him, he ended up staying, slept, texts and calls, met his mates, he met mine, celebrated holidays, went clubbing, did drugs. But the italian recently got out of a 3,5 year relationship and needs his freedom to be, screw around, party the night away.

We talked and decided that it would be best that we take it easy and not see each other as much and as intensely. I'd like to say that I exploded in tears and cried and begged him to explain why but that is not me. I understood him completely, I find it absolutely in right when a person who comes out of a relationship takes time off to just be, do all he wants, screw around, go travelling on his own and just enjoy his own company.

So here I am, blaming it on January blues, weather, economy. When in reality I am just a boy who misses cuddles and kisses of another boy.

8 Months Later

Hello my blog wall, I am sorry I had abandoned you for so long. But you got to understand, life in London is a fast paced one and hours, days, even months fly by. Not really much has changed to be honest, I am still me + the life experiences, a few friends and quite a few acquaintances richer.

From Christmas on came New Year, it was a well spent one, at home, watching fireworks that were shot from London Eye. After that, spring and my visit back home at the end of March, exactly a year since I had been gone from my homeland. It was an interesting one, since it felt like things had changed but at the same time they hadn't at all. You see everything differently, but all-in-all it was a good visit. I did not see my relatives, I did however walk by the house, saw the lights on and I knew all is well with them, that is all I needed.

It was good to be with my best friend, he has grown up so much, I can see the change, he has gotten wiser, older in his way of thinking, I am so proud of him. The return was a tiny bit bittwersweet and what kept me fresh is the thought and knowledge if I would stay here permanently now I would be crawling back to London, it is not time to return yet. I never left in negative emotions meaning that I wanted to get out of my country, etc. It was just time to go and come to London.

Coming back I had fallen right back into the work routine and that is how it has been going for some time now. I had met someone from Bristol as well, a great guy, just the timing has not been right, he has priorities to concentrate fully on his work and I could not stand the fact of not talking to someone for a week in time. Maybe later, maybe never, life will reveal it all in time.

It almost seems like London is not a place to come and bind yourself down, it is meant for you to enjoy, mingle, flirt, live it and take it all in until you feel like it and then when you get tired of endless parties and people and flings you can settle down. It is dangerous to live in a city where you know every night is a Friday night.

Had my birthday as well, quarter of a century, here's to another 25!

Tis the Season to be Jolly

So it has been a while. I must say I am loving the cold crisp weather of early winter in London, it is cold, but freshly cold, you can almost bite the air. Mostly a lot of aspects have remained the same in my life, I have not.

I have a new friend, Ivari, he was someone I didn't know that well from when I was back home and so a couple of months ago he had a headline that he is looking for a flat in London on one of the many dating sites and I jokingly replied that the house I live in has an available flat, not really expecting him to take it seriously, but he did and voila, here he is. He is a good guy, a good friend.

Speaking of friends, Vootele came to visit, he was on his way back from Australia to Estonia and stopped here for 2 weeks. I think we partied and went out every other night, I had not partied like this in a long time and it showed, 2 days before he left I got sick...7 times within about 2 hours. I thought I was going to throw up my guts. But it was worth it, one of the coolest things was that the places we went to I had never been as well, so I have fond first memories of places like Heaven and Fire, etc. It was bittersweet to see him go, sad that he is leaving, but at the same time excited of what life has in store for him when he gets back home. And with us it is never too sad, there is no big drama, it is like saying "See you tomorrow!" with us, becasue when time goes by and we meet it seems like it has only been a day.

Also one other big thing is that me and Ivari and one of his friends, who will be coming from Estonia might start living together in one big 3 bedroom flat starting next year. I have always been very home-oriented and I always make a house a home when I move in somewhere, so it is difficult for me to move, but I am quite excited about that as well.

Other than that not much new, oh, I also hooked up with swedish architect/rugby player. I felt so refreshed the day after, the realization I came to is that sometimes sex is all we need so I should start practicing it more often. I think I have always put sex as it is quite on a high pedastal, only to be practiced with someone you have feelings for and so on. But since that night, hand job, blow job, top or bottom...sex is sex and it should be enjoyed by human beings.

I hope that the coming Christmas month will bring you joy and warmth into your hearts and souls and that whatever your dreams and wishes, big or small, come true in the coming year.

The Journey Back

Has taken me a while to update. Been busy with work, life. Have had quite a few business trips in the UK - Manchester, Bristol, it's been a busy, but a fun time for me. But I am tired. Being on the way back yesterday on the train I felt something...something I have not felt before.

I was yearning to get home, but home was not Tallinn, Estonia anymore. Home was London, SE5. Time has flown by so quikcly here, in 4 days it will be half a year since I have lived here. So much has changed, I have changed. Bring on another half a year!

Death

So today I had a bit of a scare. I have had this black spot on my toe for a while now, maybe about a week and so today I decided to google it since it has not gone away. Of course I should know better not to google things, because they do tend to give you the worst case scenario, but still even that in a way is good. Verdict - Acral lentiginous melanoma, saw the pictures, read the articles...freaked out a little. Went to the hospital...verdict - just some blood collected under the skin by me hitting my toe against something.

Made me think about death and dying, I do think of it quite often, not in a weird creepy suicidal way but I think what if I were to die, would I feel bad about not doing something in my life or no. Who would cry, etc. I come to the same conclusion every time. I would not have anything to regret, I have lived how I have lived and there is nothing I would of felt like I have not done.

So with this entry I would like to say that if at any point it does happen and I am meant to finish my journey on this earth. I would like you to know and maybe pass it on also to everyone who knew me that I had no regrets and no dissapointments in my life, I have lived and done all that I have wanted so far. And I would not want anyone to cry or be sad. And I would definitely like to be cremated, not sure where I would like my ashes to be spread yet, but for now it would be a place on the far side of Viimsi peninsula, Rohuneeme in Estonia, Tallinn, just where the big wooden swing is, just across the beach side.

This sounds like a testament I am leaving here behind, but you can never be too careful, today just made me think about all of this.

I will leave you with a quote from Desperate Housewives, a quote by the character of Edie Britt, after she had passed away in the series:

"As I looked down on the world, I began to let go of it. I let go of white picket fences, and cars in driveways, coffee cups and vacuum cleaners. I let go of all those things that seemed so ordinary, but when you put them together they make up a life, a life that really was one-of-a-kind. I'll tell you something, it's not hard to die when you know you have lived. And I did. Oh, how I lived!"

Morning Sunshine: Barrett Pall

Dating 101

So being here for a while now I have also had few dates along the way. My first date was nice, but more than just him being nice, though he was great and sweet and already gone from London by now.

But it was more about me getting into the dating scene and not with a fear of anything, I sat there and when we had moments of silence, I though "should I wash another load of laundry tonight?"

No stress, no expectations, no strings attached, no wondering about how proper my clothes are of if I am getting a zit on my left cheek. Just a good time with a nice guy, just chatted about life and ourselves and work, it was good.

But by the end of it I didn't leave with thinking what he thought of me, I left thinking about myself and that I personally, am back in the game.

My Fave Model, You Ask?

Work, Home and a Little Bit of Play

It's been 3 months already, it doesn't feel like 3 months, it feels like 6 months and at the same time it feels like 3 weeks - work and home and a little bit of play.

Lately I have gotten really tired of people thinking that they can selfishly lean on me. A lot of "friends" have shown their true character in a way that has definitely pushed me away from them. For me it feels like I own them something, but it has really made me feel annoyed, things like buying stuff and posting it to someone, I can understand if I would go somewhere and then contact a person that I will be at a location that this person needs something from, but to say that "Hey, can you buy me this and that and then ship it to me?" is not going to work with me.

I am starting to understand that what I did with just randomly moving here has made some people look up to me in a way who maybe don't have that much courage in them to do something like this, but for someone who I am not even close with, to say that "I will collect some money and come over to live with you and you can help me out until we will rent a place together" is just absurd. There are maybe only a handful of people I really enjoy being around and can just be with them for a long period of time.

I like it on my own, I have lived life mostly on my own and I am fine this way. And I don't owe anyone anything, I have made my life and I am not, nor will I ever be sorry for being who I am.

People seem to think that here in LDN it's just parties and sex and drugs and alcohol - yes, when you come for a vacation. But when you move somewhere to start a new page in your life, still you have a routine, of work, home and a little bit of play.

Let the Summer begin!

The NY of EU

So I got to thinking how London is the New York of Europe and you'd have to agree with me, whether you live here or no.

Thousands of people come to live here every year in hopes to find, well let's face it - love. But as many things, love can be different. Some come to find love in a new place, a home, some come to find love in a form of another human being, some come to find the love they have for money.

I think the strive that brought me here is to find love as well, but a different kind of love from what I have mentioned above - a love for myself. I feel like some of the complexes that I had in me are slowly melting away, I feel like I can be more of me now and the feeling is quite freeing. I am changing and I do like the way this is going and it's just been only 2 months.

The sun is shining and it's been promised to be a hot summer. So here's to the following months to come.

So Yesterday

I have always been good with faces, never the names, only with faces. So the other day I ran into a guy who I right away recognized from my home country and I got to thinking later on how when you see a familiar face, you don't defninitely greet them with a smile, sometimes you fake it, like you didn't even see them and just walk by.

Because why do people move? Mostly, especially younger generation, we tend to feel like there is nothing or no one left for us where we are and no opportunities to grow, in business or in life. So we take that big step and move to another country. So we get settled in, we find new and excting friends, we start a new page in our lives and along comes this familiar face from the past pages of your life and suddenly that person becomes the representation of everything negative concering the life you had back in your homecountry and you almost have an aggression rush. The most annoying things would be when that person does recognize you and comes up or stops you and starts chatting and asking questions.

You smile, you try to keep the conversation as minimal as possible and then you try to get the hell out of there as fast as you can, hoping never to see that ugly face SOB ever again. Because you came here to have a start of a NEW life, not continue on with your old one. Yes, it's not nice, it's rude, but that's how it is boys and girls.

LDN

So since I have settled in London I guess it would make most sense for me to start writing my blog in English. I am sure all my Estonian readers won't mind :) What is there to tell, been here for almost 2 months now and things cannot go any better to be honest. I had a job and a place to live within the 1,5 weeks I arrived and seems like Lady Luck has definitely had me in her favor. But since I do believe in karma, it was about time that I got a break and got a normal routine life beacause the past 2 years were a hell to go thrugh with the cheating, lying, stealing ex :) Now I only think about his miserable soul once a month, when I have to pay the loans that I took out for him, but nevermind him. I have already adjusted to the life here and have fell in love with London and it's people and the feeling is mutual, I am sure. I do miss some friends back from home, but not so much the homeland itself. It's the people that make a home really, not a place. And seems like I am going to be staying here a while. So here's to London, a new page in life and more wonderful and adventorous entries to come!

I Have Arrived

My Life = 28 kg

Humoorikas, kuidas minu elu saab mahutada ära 28sse kilogrammi. Täna on viimane hommik Eestis ja ees ootab mind taas juba uus elu lehekülg. Emotsioone on palju, samas ma olen valmis minema ja hüppama sellesse tundmatusse ja samas hoiab mind tagasi siin vaid üks, minu kallis E.

Ta on olnud võrratult arusaadav kõiges ja leplik kõigega, mis toimub, meil kummalgi pole aga kerge. Raske on lahkuda temast, kuna kõik meil nii värske veel aga samas, ehk nii on ka parem, et me läheme seniks lahku kuni kõik veel värkse. Armastan ja hoolin sinust väga mu kallis kiisu, tea seda. Ma ei kujutanud iilagi ette, et mul saab olema nii raske hüvasti jätta sinuga.

Igatahes me jääme suhtesse nagu oleme ja proovime ka selle aja ning vahemaaga hakkama saada. Magushapu on see kõik hetkel, aga ühte ma tean, mina ja minu 28 kilogrammi oleme valmis sellele, mis tulemas.

Kui ma aega saan, püüan kursis hoida toimuvaga kõiki, noh nii palju kui teid on kes loevad seda blogi :)

XOXO

A R T

Why?

Been a While

Okei, ehk peaks ka kirjutama vahepealsest. Niisiis novembri lõpu poole koondati mind töökohalt, kuna esindus iseenesest läks pankrotti põhimõtteliselt ja järgmine päev oli ka juba esinduspood kinni. Mõningas mõttes oli see väikene shokk aga mitte eriti, kuna juba mitmed potentsiaalsed üürijad käisid kohta vaatamas ja arutamas selle välja üürimist. Kuna koondati päevapealt siis ka firma kompenseeris vastavalt, mis tuli kindlasti kasuks kuna siiamaani võib öelda, et ma veel elan selle raha pealt.

Puhkus on olnud aga võrratu, samuti tuli V tagasi Norrast kuna asjad isikliku poole pealt ei läinud hästi ja kuigi olin ma ka kurb sellepärast olin ma rohkem õnnelik, et ta tagasi on. V'ga elamine on olnud superlux, suht humoorikas on mõelda, et kõigi nende aastate jooksul ei ole me ühtegi korda tülitsenud. Enne Jõule põrutasime 3me teise sõbraga Rootsi tripile, mis oli väga mõnus, pidu, shoppingud, ringi jõlkumine mööda linna, pildistamine, jne. Nagu ikka Rootsi kruiisile kombeks :) Jõulud olid suht naljakad kuna veetsin need inimesega keda nägin esimest korda reaalis selsamal õhtul aga oli hea, tegime praadi, jõime veini ja vaatasime filme.

30ndal detsembril aga põrutasime V'ga Võru poole kus on tema sugulased. Seal ajaveetmine oli parim, mulle on alati meeldinud maakohad, kus õhtuti tänavad vaiksed enamasti ja inimesed palju vabamad ja lihtsameelsemad, heas mõttes :) Ma loodan, et suve poole satun ma taas sinna. Sai näha isegi mõningaid sõpru ja tuttavaid keda tean eelmistest elu lehekülgedest. Aastavahetusel olime linna väljakul kuuse juures ja nautisime ilutulestikku, siis edasi pummeldama ja klubitama. Samuti selle ajaga veedetud Võrus, käisime Suurel Munamäel ja samuti snowtube'imas. Üldiselt oli väga lahe.

Tagasi jõudes oli ka tegemisi linnas, mis vajasid kiirelt lahendamist kuna minu head sõbrad, kes ise USAs, üürisid siin korterit ja kuna lõpetasid selle üüri ära, oli vaja kõik nende asjad välja saada ja kuna mulle anti nö. "second bids" asjade pealt, siis saime endale korterisse uue diivani, külmkapi mida meil ei olnud :), mikrouuni, mõned mööbliesemed, jne. Samuti aga oli vaja asjadest mida mulle vaja ei läinud ka lahti saada, näiteks nagu 45 kontori tooli :D Aga nüüdseks kõikidest asjadest vabanenud.

Ehk kõige suurem muutus, mis toimunud viimasel ajal on see, et minu elutee on ristunud kellegi teise eluteega. Ja alguse sai see lihtsast "Häid Jõule" :) Mul on olnud E'ga väga mõnus aega veeta ja teineteist tundma õppida...igas mõttes ;)

Tööalaliselt olen ma laiselnud, sest kuna raha on olnud piisavalt siis ei ole ka viitsinud intensiivsemalt midagi otsida aga tunnen, et kätte jõudmas on aeg, kus ei saa enam niisama istuda ja vajalik produktiivne olla.

Aga soovin Teile kõigile head külmakuu lõppu ühises lootuses, et kevadhõngu oleks pea-pea juba õhus taas tunda :)

Caught My Eye

Relationship Status?

I HAVE A PARTNER :)

Spotted

sWeed Dreams

Hommikud on kohe palju säravamad, kui unes näed end kellegi sellisega müramas :D

The X Factor

Mõni päev tagasi mõtlesin ma oma endistele partneritele ja üldises mõttes ex'idele. Eriti sellele, kuidas tundub, et peale lahkuminekuid, aja möödudes, kui me suuremast valust ja solvumisest ja vihast üle saanud, muutume või me tahame muutuda samasugusteks nagu olid/on nemad (meie ettekujutuses).

Kui rääkida isiklikust kogemusest, siis suve algusest hakkasin ma palju rohkem olema avatud uutele tutvustele, flirtima ja "mängima" teise kuttidega ja nüüd mõeldes, oli just see mida tahtis teha minu ex sellel ajal kui olime koos ja ka peale lahkuminekut. Samuti on mul sõber kes lahku läinud oma endisega ja hetkel päris seksihimuline, et sooviks on seksida kellegiga suht niisama, kuigi samas oli/on tema ex just samasugune.

Niisiis kas tõesti aja möödudes muutume (tahame muutuda) meie samasugusteks nagu olid/on meie ex'id? Kas me peame seda mingil haiglasel viisil meie võimaluseks nendele kätte maksta? Kas me tunneme, et kui me langeme samale tasemele nagu nemad, siis on nendest ülesaamine meie jaoks kergem?

Ehk see ongi see salapärane X faktor.

Fashion Victim

Mix

I Give You: Priit Loog

Meil isegi veel ON kodumaal kenasid näitlejeid/mehi :)

Damn Right!

Las Meid Veel, Kallis, Olla Teel...

Lund sajab täna taas. Nii ilus on, midagi seletamatult maagilist on selles kui lumi aeglaselt langeb majade katustele, puude okstele, maapinnale. Lumi tuleb maha ja katab, katab kõik musta ja porise ja räpase ja ainus mida on näha on valge ja puhas lumi.

Täna bussis sõites mõtlesin selle peale, üldse lume peale. Eriti meie, kui põhjamaade rahva jaoks on lumi alati olnud südamelähedane, ükskõik kui palju me ka ei vinguks ja ei halaks, et kui külm ja märg kõik on. Lume langemisega on kohe tunda tänaval jalutades, kuidas vastutulijad hinges naeratavad, sest taas on langemas lumi.

Tavaliselt hilissügisene ja hall miljöö muutub hetkega valgeks muinasjutumaaks. Kuidas see ei saaks kellegile meelepärane olla? Me justkui koos lume langemisega langeme ka ise taas tagasi lapsepõlve ja säravate silmadega jälgime enda ümbrust ja seda lõpmatut valget katet, mis katmas kogu maa.

Collage

Spotted

Spotted: PJ neatly packing clothes into his backpack ready to go on a short cruise, certainly not on his own. Wonder, will it be the windy fall waves or will it be PJ and his mystery date rocking that boat?

Get your costumes ready and your masks polished boys and girls, All Hallows' Eve is upon us and at least for one night you can pretend to be the gracious Prince Charming or an innocent Cinderella.

But we all know however the story, one thing is for sure - by the end of the night, masks won't be the only things that will be coming off.

A Break From Reality

Neljapäev: kodus - liitrine Norra viin, 0,5 Kirsi Viru Valge, pudel valget veini, pudel shampust, Noora viin Red Bulliga, Viru Valge Colaga, vahepeal poppersi nuusutamine.
Angeli kohvik - 4 Captain Morgani ja Cola koksi, 2 Prince Charming koksi, 1 Bloody Mary.
Hollywood - 4 Red Bull ja vodka koksi, 2 Captain Morgan ja Cola koksi.
Woodstock - 3 õlut.

Reede: kodus - liitrine Viru Valge ja Cola koksid, 2 jointi ja sniff, poppers.
X baar - 2 Red Bull ja vodka koksi.
Angeli Café - 2 Red Bull ja vodka koksi.
Angeli Club - 3 Captain Morgan ja Cola koksi , 2 Bacardi Razzi koksi, 4 Red Bull ja vodka koksi.
G-Punkt - vähemalt 5 Red Bull ja vodka koksi.
Kodus - 1 pudel õlut, 1 joint.

Laupäev: kodus - Captain Morgan 700ml ja Colat, 2 pudelit õlut, 1 joint ja sniff.
Angel Club - 6 Red Bull ja vodka koksi, 1 Bacardi Razzi, 1 Capatain Morgan ja Cola koks.
G-Punkt - 0,5 jointi, a la 7 Red Bull ja vodka koksi, 2 Old Pascas ja Cola koksi.

Pühapäev: kodus - 0,5 jointi, 4 pudelit õlut

One door closes as the other one opens...

Lõpuks on kolitud. Mingil määral oli selline "bittersweet" tunne kolida minema vanast korterist. Sai ikka üle 1,5 aasta seal elatud. Sealt sai alguse minu iseseisvus, minu suhte algus ja ka selle lõpp, sealt sain alguse MINA. Niisiis ukse kinni pandes vaatasin viimast korda üle korteri ja jätsin mõttes korteriga kui ka kõigega, mis selles korteris toimunud, hüvasti.

Aga nüüdseks on avanenud minu jaoks teine elamiskoha uks, mis on super lahe :) Korteriüürnikutele meeldin ma väga, nad elavad kohe minu vastas korteris. Eelmine reede sai üle kolitud, pidu öösel linna peal pandud ja laupäeval pohmasena korter täiesti puhtaks koristatud. Selles suhtes olen ma pedant ja üürnikutele meeldis see väga. Nad isegi kütavad minu toa soojaks seni kuni ma tööl olen ja isegi viisid mu prügi välja, mis on väga lahe.

Niisiis elu on hetkel vägagi stabiilne, ma olen väga rahul oma uue korteriga, samuti sai ka nati shoppatud, eks 30 päeva jutti tööl olnud tasu oli seda väärt :) 2 paari jalatseid, mantli ümbertegemine, erinevad hügieenitarbed, teksad, sokid, alukad, parfüüm, kudum, pusa ja 5 särki - rahuldav.

Taas on üks uks kinni pandud ja uus avanenud ja ma huviga ootan, mis sellel aastal veel minu jaoks varuks on...

2nd Round

Kes ütles, et ainult naissoost isikutele meeldib osta jalatseid? :)

It Has Begun...

Minu esimene sisseoste üle pika aja. Originaalhind 59.90 EUR. Minule - 299.90 EEK!

You do the math bitches :D

Spotted

As the season is changing so are the faces of the small Metropolis. Some faces have dissapeared and been blown away with the wind and new ones brought in to this city. Some of them get their "fame" quite fast, some are not even known for who they are.

Particulary one of them, whom PJ seems to be spending quite some time with recently. Who is the mysterious fresh face? All in it's own good time. Aah - the changes, sometimes good, sometimes...not so.

So look out and find a good cover, so that the cold autumn winds of change wouldn't blow you over.

Can You Hear? The City is Calling...

Mul on alati tekkinud eriti nädalavahetuse algusega assotsiatsioon, et Linn kutsub meid :) Aga tõeliselt on see ju kaa nii.

Iga reede hommik kui avad oma silmad hakkab Linn juba vaikselt sulle kõrva hellalt puhuma ärevust, et täna on nädala viimane päev. Päeva möödudes aga hakkab Linn juba sulle võrgutavalt mõtteid sosistama, luues sellega sinu peas plaane õhtupoolikuks. Õhtupoolikul aga Linn juba hõikab rõõmsalt sind enda poole, oma säravate tuledega ja erinevate muusika rütmidega ja lõbusate inimeste naeruga, kes juba on Linna juurde külla jõudnud.

Linn teab keda hüüda, ta teab oma tuttavaid ja sõpru kes kihelevad taas temaga kohtuda, need kes eriti Linnast ei hooli, ei hooli ka Linn nendest. Aga need kes on Linna parimad sõbrad, need on kindlasti kohal, tantsides ja lõbutsedes kuni varajaste hommikutundideni koos Linnaga.

Kui külaskäik läbi Linna pool, puhkab Linn ja ka tema sõbrad aga kindel on üks - 5 päeva pärast saab taas Linn võtta lahkelt vastu oma lemmikumaid kaaslasi.

You Didn't Lose Me...You Let Me Go

Hiljuti on kummitanud väga Maarja "Homme". Väga hea laul on tegelikult. Selline pilt tuleb ette, et kaks inimest kes on just lahku läinud ja pisarad voolanud ning nuttes on uinutud ja mõeldud selle peale, et homme oleme nii, kui poleks meid olnudki.

Ja tõuseb päike ja saabub järgmine päev peale lahkuminekut. Ja need inimesed juhuslikult näevad üksteist linna peal või siis õhtul kuskil, kus mõlemad erinevates seltskondades ja ainult hetkeks kohtuvad nende pilgud ja selles sekundis need kaks siis mõtlevadki, et täna oleme me juba nii kui poleks meid olnudki.

Mitte, et mul melanhooliline tuju oleks :) Lihtsalt mõttetera ja assotsiatsioon...

Miss Independent

Arutasin täna sõbraga individuaale, kes on elu jooksul muutunud liiga iseseisvateks, jah, inimene saab olla küll LIIGA iseseisev.

Liiga iseseisvate inimestega on nö. teisel poolel, nende partneritel väga palju tööd kätel, et selliste inimeste südameteni jõuda. Nad on haiget saanud ja kardavad haiget saada aga nad ei saa aru, et see ongi elu, haiget saab nagunii. Elust saadud haavad peavad olema inimese hingel ja südamel, sest ainult läbi nende saab inimene öelda, et "ma olen tõeliselt ELANUD ja TUNDNUD".

Sellistel individuaalidel on oma uhkus, mis on nendel nii sügaval p***eaugus ja ei luba nendele öelda välja midagi tundelist ja hoolivat, sest nad arvavad kui ütlevad välja sõnadega kellegile teisele, siis jumal hoia, tevas kukub ju alla, sest nad on näidanud emotsioone.

Ma tean selliseid inimesi ja ma olen ka õppinud ja jälginud ja analüüsinud, nendega on tõsiselt raske ja vähesed kannatavad seda välja, inimene peab olema hingeliselt väga tugev. Sellised inimesed ei ava ennast kergelt aga nad ei saa ka aru, et enne kui inimene ei ava ennast ei saa ta ka kedagi teist sisse lasta. See on ka nende jaoks tegelikult suur piin, et nad ei suuda seda teha - igavene nõiaring.

Aga tuleb ka aeg kus sellised individuaalid väsivad neid seinu üleval hoida ja kui meie oleme nende kõrval, siis see hea ja tore aga kui on keegi teine, siis on keegi teine. That's life. See on selline situatsioon kui vahel näed ex'i, kellega koos olid, kes oli külm ja kauge sinuga ja nüüd näed teda kellegi teisega, kellega näeb rõõmsameelene ja õnnelik välja ja siis mõtled, et "miks ta ei olnud minuga selline?" selle nimeks on saatus. Ju saatus oli määranud, et just SELLE inimesega "murduks" ta ja avaks ennast talle ja tavaliselt kui need individuaalid avavad end kellegile, siis nendega nad ka jäävad pikemaks ajaks kokku.

Aga kui oled sellise inimesega parajasti koos siis peab ka nendele mõistma andma mida tunned, sest nemad enamuse aja vegeteerivad niisama ringi, otsides ise ka ei tea mida. Alati peab mõistma andma ka seda mida ISE tunned, sest ilma tegudetta pole resultaati. Vahel on meil kõigil vajalik teisele panniga vastu pead anda, öeldes, "aga MINA tunnen ennast niimoodi" :)

And Your Worries Shall Fade in the Morning Mist

Viimasel ajal olen mõelnud suhetele ja endale ja kuidas olen ma vastu võtnud "suhet" üleüldiselt. Nagu ka palju teised vaated on ka see vaade selle aasta suvekuumuse käes sulanud ja saanud absoluutselt teise vormi. Ma võtan "suhet" palju vabamalt. Kui ma olen mõeldud olema kellegiga, siis see ka juhtub ja kui ei ole ja asjast ei tule midagi, siis ei olnud see saatusel plaanis - kõik. Nii lihtne see tegelikult ongi.

Vahel me ütleme ja kelgime ehk isegi mingil määral, et jah "nii arvan ja usun ka mina" kuigi südames on meil alati mingi ärevus ikka sees, et kas nüüd tuleb või ei tule sellest midagi välja. Mina võin aga ausalt öelda, et mu südames pole isegi seda ärevust, mitte, et ma olen muutunud mingiks külmaks ja kalgiks "bitch'iks" kuigi oeh, kuidas tahaks selline olla aga ei, ma ei ole selline. Sellised püüavad olla enamus gay ühiskonnas elutsevad inimesed, sest "bitch" olla on ju nii "cool". Mina, ei arva seda.

Jah, rahu on südames. Selline tunne, et selle sügisega kui hakkavad vaikselt langema puudelt lehed, samamoodi langevad vaikselt mured ja probleemid hingelt, kõdunevad ära ja sulanduvad ning matavad end mullaga ühte.

"I just try to live my life and do my thing."

Which Gossip Girl Character Are You?

Good Girls Go Bad

Mul pole kunagi ennem lemmiksarja olnud, nüüd on :)

He Can Bite My Neck Anytime

Definition: Faghag

Gay maailmas on olemas ainult 2te sorti hetero neidusid/naisi, kes on lubatud sellele gay kogukonna territooriumile:

1) Need kellel on kõrini heteromeestest, kes nendele pidevalt külge löövad ja nad tahavad rahulikult ja lõbusalt kuttidega aega veeta. Nad näevad enamasti väga hästi välja ja kannavad tavaliselt disainer-rõivaid, on ilusti meigitud ja enamasti blondid.

2) Need kellel on kõrini, et ükski heteromees nendele külge ei löö ja nad tahavad rahulikult ja lõbusalt kuttidega aega veeta. Nad on suht tavalise väljanägemisega, mitte liiga palju meigitud, enamasti ülekaalukad, kompleksites ja kannavad päris tavalisi riideid.

Plain and simple, midagi muud siin seletada polegi :)